Grief Support

What can you do to help your parent through his or her grief when a spouse dies? This is one of the major losses in life, but there are things you can do to help.

Acceptance–Be accepting and supportive of the new person your parent becomes in the wake of this devastating loss. Support him or her in new ventures and new friendships. Your parent must find a new way to live, and build a new life for himself or herself.

Decisions–Let your parent decide when and how to dispose of the deceased’s clothing and personal items. Some may not be ready to do this right away. Others may want to get it over with almost as soon as they get home from the funeral.

Family Traditions–Let your family traditions change and evolve to fit your family’s new structure. Don’t force things that don’t work without the deceased, or that are exceptionally painful without him or her.

Independence–Help your parent be independent. Teach him or her something new that the deceased used to do rather than taking it on yourself. This could be anything from balancing the checkbook to maintaining the car to cooking.

Major Decisions–Encourage your parent to delay making major decisions, such as selling a home or moving to a new part of the country–for at least one year after the death. Discourage other major financial decisions as well.

Money–Your parent may be tempted to loan money to family or friends. Help them resist this urge, at least until they have a better understanding of their new financial circumstances, whether it’s for better or worse.

New Life–Encourage your parent to make a new life for himself or herself. Encourage him or her to make new friends, take up new activities, and find new focus in life.

Talking–Talk about the deceased parent. Tell stories, and bring up his or her name often. Talking about the person keeps the memories alive and helps the healing process.

Telephone–Call your parent frequently, and make sure they feel comfortable calling you more often. A surviving parent may become very dependent on his or her children for communication and companionship, at least in the short term.

Infants Through Adolescents
How Children Cope With Grief

The cognitive and emotional levels of development from infant through adolescent cover a wide span of grief. The age of a child/adolescent and a child’s/adolescent’s perception of death must be understood before the caregiver or facilitator starts interacting with the child.

A grieving child at each different level of development will need assistance in building coping skills and finding a sense of closure to his/her loss. Children at all developmental stages experience grief on different chronological and emotional levels.

Infants and Toddlers

Children younger than four can sense that something is wrong as they experience the grief of their primary caretaker. The absence of the mother may cause a clear biological reaction. Anger, crying, searching, lack of appetite, and finally quiet resignation are the ways in which a child will grieve for the loss of the mother/primary caretaker.

The child should not be passed from caretaker to caretaker.

What one does is far more important to the child this young than what one says. Generally, a grieving infant or toddler needs large doses of tender, loving care–holding, cuddling, and stroking.

Four- to Six-Year Olds

Bereaved children between four and six have a limited and literal understanding of death. For a child in this age range, death may be explained in physical terms. Because thinking is very literal and bodily oriented, death may be best explained as follows:

His/her heart stopped beating and no one can make it start again. Therefore, we won’t be seeing him/her move or talk anymore. We will bury the body in the ground, because (identify the person, using their name) is not able to do or say anything anymore.

Children will often note the discrepancy between burial of the body and the description of “going away” or “going to Heaven.” While the young child probably can’t grasp the concept, one might address the distinction as the part that we love–the part that smiled and laughed and loves us-is the part that has gone to heaven. The old, broken body is now what is in the ground.

Caretakers can facilitate therapeutic role-play by sitting with the child as he or she plays with dolls, stuffed animals, puppets, toy cars, and doll houses. Look for aggression in play and explore where the anger is focused.

Seven- to Eleven-Year Olds

Children ages seven to eleven are still primarily oriented to the family, and although they’ve begun to relate to and gain self-identity through their peers, play is still a mode of self-expression. Children this age also express themselves quite well orally, especially the primary feelings of mad, glad, and sad.

They have begun to grasp more abstract concepts such as truth, time, space, and death, although magical thinking still plays a role. Most commonly, seven-or eight-year-olds become fearful of death because they realize for the first time it’s real.

No matter who dies, they may feel devastated at the thought of losing a parent. Obviously, the death of a parent is extremely traumatic at this age. Some of their questions may indicate fears of their own death. Death is seen as an attacker who takes life.

Free expression of grief must be encouraged, and children must be told over and over that they didn’t cause the death and that the dead person did not choose to die. A child of this age may also fear that death is a punishment for improper behavior. They may fear that their naughty behavior has brought about the death of a loved one, and they are being punished for it. They may also believe that they or another loved one will be the next to die.

A more adult concept of life and death develops roughly between the ages of nine and eleven. At this developmental level, the children have learned that only people, plants, and animals live and die. Children of this age are not only sensitive to their own feelings, but can now enter into the feelings of others.

As a result, they are more understanding of what the loss may mean to others, and they are able to show empathy. Children in the upper end of this range not only need support and comfort, but also can be a source of support and comfort for others. Opportunities to be helpful to others
during the crisis can actually help children deal with their own feelings.

Adolescents 12-17

To the emotionally healthy adolescent, death is foreign; it’s something they simply do not want to think about. Sometimes their self-destructive behavior, such as alcohol or drug abuse or playing chicken in an automobile are means of saying “I’m not afraid of death; it’s a game–I’m making a plaything of it.”

However, the real meaning beneath the behavior is that they’re trying to control their fear and insecurity by making it a game. Moving fast and keeping the music loud can be an escape from having to face their fears.

When met with the loss of an important relationship, the adolescent’s self-centered values may cause them great fear, guilt, anxiety, and anger. Adolescents have the capacity for empathy with other grieving family members or friends, so their pain is doubled.

Because an adolescent forms more intimate relationships with peers than with parents, it’s advisable that networks or groups be make available for adolescents who have experienced the death of a loved one.

The adolescent may respond well to another adult who is willing to listen and assume a surrogate parent role with them. While reluctant to participate in their own family grief or support groups, they may respond well to a pastor, school counselor, or another adolescent who “understands.”

Caretakers of a grieving adolescent should not be discouraged if their teen reaches to someone other than family. That’s normal at this stage of development.

Authored by Yvonne Butler Clark, author, It’s Okay to Cry

by Karen Nilsen 
STAR Class Founder for Funeralplan.com

The days surrounding a death can be a confusing and disorienting time for young children. Altered daily routines and unfamiliar sights and sounds can be difficult for them to understand and cope with. Children notice even the most subtle changes in their routines and surroundings. We must validate their feelings and encourage them to share their thoughts, fears, and observations of the events taking place around them.

Most important, I believe, is to first find out what your child already knows about death, then what they think they know, and then provide the facts in simple, honest, terms.

Explaining death to children is similar to talking to kids about sex, except that many parents find death a more difficult topic. We often use euphemisms such as “passed away” “Grandpa is sleeping,” or “we lost Grandma” instead of the words “dead” and “died.” These softened explanations can cause fears in a young child that they too may get lost or go down for a nap and never wake up. Or worse yet, as 4-year-old Clayton asked, “What if I go to sleep and wake up in a casket like my Grandpa?”

Children see the evidence that livings things die in many areas of their lives. They see and hear about it on the television, in movies–even cartoons, and on an ordinary walk in the park or to school, e.g., : a dead bird, a squirrel, or other small animal. They notice the change of the seasons as plants and trees appear to wither and die.

They may have experienced the death of a pet. It’s hard not to notice the difference between a live goldfish and one floating motionless on the top of the fish bowl. Death causes changes in a living thing. Very young children may not be able to fully comprehend the complexities, but they are aware that death looks and feels different.

If possible, begin a dialogue with your child about how all living things on this earth will die someday. Death is a reality; we can’t hide it from our children. It is the circle of life. If the situation arises where a plant, pet or animal dies, allow the child to investigate it, see it, touch it, even smell it.

With an accepting adult standing close by or holding a child while he/she discovers death on the sidewalk, children often adopt the attitude and the emotion of the adult. Talk about feelings. Share your feelings with your child. Tell him that when someone or something dies, we might feel sad, mad, or confused. And sometimes we might even cry–and that’s okay.

Explain the difference between an “alive” bird and a dead one. When the bird was alive, he could fly, and sing, and eat worms, but now, his body has died. It doesn’t work anymore. He cannot see, or hear, or move. His body is dead. You may even hold a “funeral ceremony” for the animal. Explain that a funeral is a time to say good-bye. It is a Special Time to Always Remember.

Another readily available example in a child’s world is a simple flower. You can show the child a living flower. Point out its qualities of life–e.g., vibrant color, soft velvety petals, strong sturdy stem and enjoyable fragrance. If you want, you may even discuss the flower’s purpose here on earth. It brings us joy, brightens a room, provides food for insects and bees, etc. Then show the child a flower that has died. Compare its qualities to the living flower. The flower has changed. Allow the child to
touch and smell the flower.

When talking to a child about the death of a family member or friend, remind them that like the flower, or bird, or pet, the body of their loved one has changed. It cannot see, or hear, or move. Look through photo albums, talk about special memories and their relationship with the deceased.

Read books available for children. Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Reassure them that sad and mad feelings are normal and okay. Allow them to attend the funeral or memorial service for their special person. Encourage them to write a letter or draw a picture that can be placed in the casket or displayed near the urn

You may want to talk about your family’s faith tradition. Heaven is another concept which is a life long learning process.

Death IS a frightening concept for all of us. But, with loving explanations, acceptance of feelings and an opportunity to express those feelings, a child can begin to understand that death is a part of life.

Losing a Child… Losing Your Future?

It has been said that parents who lose a child also lose the hopes, dreams, and expectations they had for that child. They lose a part of themselves. They lose their future because their child represents their sense of ongoing life. Psychologists believe, because of these reasons, the death of a child is possibly the most difficult loss of all to accept.

People who have children often feel that parenting is life’s most important role, regardless of the child’s age. Therefore, the death of a child can be a tremendous assault on a parent’s very identity.

What to Expect

If your child has died, you will most likely experience several common reactions of bereavement. However, your grief can be more acute than normal. You may go into periods of shock and denial. You will likely become depressed. If you are normally a committed, caring person, you could find that you do not care about anything or anyone. You may find yourself preoccupied with the circumstances of your child’s death, recreating them over and over again in your mind. You may think you see or hear your child. You might have dreams and nightmares about them.

The intense grief caused by your child’s death can take a physical toll as well. You may lose weight, have difficulty sleeping, become irritable or listless, or feel short of breath. Grief has even been known to cause hair loss.

Anger and Guilt

Perhaps the most acute feelings you will experience are anger and guilt. Because the death of a child does not follow the normal order of nature, there is a strong urge to place the blame on someone or something. You may be angry at the doctors or nurses who could not cure your child’s illness, or at God for “letting” your child die. If your child died because of a traumatic accident, you may be angry at whomever you believe caused it. If your child’s actions partly caused the death, you may be angry at him or her and then feel guilty about your anger toward your child.

Parents often feel terribly guilty for simply living. If you had an argument with your child or had to discipline him or her shortly before the death, you may feel guilty for those actions.

You may feel the most guilt because you believe you should have prevented your child’s death. You may find yourself consumed by thoughts of “if only.”

A father tends to suffer guilt over failing to prevent a child’s death. While both parents feel responsible for their child’s safety, men have often been taught that protecting the family is their primary role.

The Grief Experience

While bereaved parents know they will experience intense grief, their child’s death can have another effect they did not anticipate. The death could alter their feelings toward each other. Almost always, the marriage will never be the same. The change could be for the better or for the worse. However, the relationship rarely stays the same.

Parents think their grief will be similar because they have lost the same child. This similar type of mourning rarely happens. The relationship the father mourns is different from the relationship the mother mourns because each parent shared a different relationship with the child.

Fathers may have a more difficult time expressing their grief, believing on some level that “big boys don’t cry,” or that they need to be strong for their surviving family. Unfortunately, this may keep fathers from working through their grief and resolving it. It may become necessary to seek counseling or spiritual help.

Couples may experience difficulty in communicating after the death of their child. The intensity of grief comes at different times for each parent. One parent may use work as an escape while the other finds solace in photo albums and home videos. Dad may feel the need to box up and store the child’s personal belongings while Mom cannot bear to look at them. A physical resemblance to the dead child can also cause difficulties between the parents.

A child’s death may cause sexual problems within a marriage as well. Time, patience, and communication are key elements to resolving these problems. It is not uncommon for these effects to last up to two years or more following the child’s death.

Answering the Questions of Your Other Children

Your other children will look to you to explain the death to them. A child’s questions will depend on their age, but your answers should always be honest. Guard against telling children that their brother or sister is “sleeping,” or that “God wanted their brother or sister.” These may simply cause other fears in your children that may be more difficult to resolve than a more direct answer. Be direct, without offering more information than necessary.

Young children sometimes fantasize that they caused the death by being mean to the deceased sibling or by fighting with them. In this case, it is important to assure your child that he/she had nothing to do with their brother’s or sister’s death.

Remember, your other children need to resolve their grief. They will take their cues from you, so support them in their grief by being open in showing yours. You will not do them any favors by protecting them from the grieving process; in fact, there is no way you can.

Dealing with Grief

It may not be possible to work through your grief alone. We can recommend support groups, counselors, books, and videos which deal specifically with child bereavement. Ask us to recommend a specific book, or visit your local library.

It is important for parents to realize that severe grief can make them feel like they’re going crazy. If you are afraid your grief is out of control, you might consider asking your clergy, doctor, or funeral director to suggest a counselor. You may be relieved to find that your problems, in this situation, are normal.

Finally, remember that other people will likely feel very awkward around you because they will not know what to say. You can help bridge the gap by simply telling them what you need and letting them know if it is all right to mention your deceased child.

Explaining Cremation to a Child

When a deceased family member or friend is cremated or already has been cremated, your child may want to know what cremation is. In answering your child’s questions about cremation, keep your explanation of what cremation involves simple and easy to understand.

In explaining cremation to your child, avoid using words that may have a frightening connotation such as “fire” and “burn.” Instead, in a straightforward manner, tell your child that the deceased body, enclosed in a casket or container, is taken to a place called a crematory where it goes through a special process that reduces it to small particles resembling fine gray or white sand. Be sure to point out that a dead body feels no pain.

Let your child know that these cremated remains are placed in a container called an urn and returned to the family. If cremation has already taken place and the container picked up, you may want to show it to the child. Because children are curious, your child may want to look at the contents.

If your child makes such a request, look at them yourself first so that you can describe what they look like. Share this with your child. Then let the child decide whether to proceed further.

If possible, arrange for a time when you and your child can be with the body before cremation is carried out. If handled correctly, this time can be a positive experience for the child. It can provide an opportunity for the child to say “good-bye” and accept the reality of death. However, the viewing of the body should not be forced. Use your best judgment on whether or not this should be done.

Depending on the age of your child, you may wish to include him or her in the planning of what will be done with the cremated remains. Before you do this, familiarize yourself with the many types of cremation memorials available. Some of the many options to consider include burying the remains in a family burial plot, interring them in an urn garden that many cemeteries have, or placing the urn in a columbarium niche.

Defined as a recessed compartment, the niche may be an open front protected by glass or a closed front faced with bronze, marble, or granite. (An arrangement of niches is called a columbarium, which may be an entire building, a room, a bank along a corridor, or a series of special indoor alcoves. It also may be part of an outdoor setting such as a garden wall.)

Although your child may not completely understand these or other options for memorialization, being involved in the planning helps establish a sense of comfort and understanding that life goes on even though someone loved has died.

If you incur any difficulties in explaining death or cremation to your child, you may wish to consult a child guidance counselor who specializes in these areas.

Mourning the Death of Your Pet

Having a beloved pet die is traumatic and painful, and the most natural thing in the world is to have intense feelings of grief and sadness. Our pets give us unconditional love, are always there to patiently listen to us when we need to talk, and are often our best friend.

Even though psychologists have long maintained the grief that pet owners experience after the death of their pet is comparable to the grief suffered after the death of a family member, society doesn’t offer a grieving pet owner much sympathy or compassion. Consequently, pet owners often feel isolated in their grief, and are without the support they so desperately need.

When a person dies, friends and relatives show their support by attending the funeral or memorial service. Even in weeks following the funeral, people usually continue to provide comfort to the bereaved person in a number of different ways. Usually when a pet dies there is no funeral, no memorial service; often friends and family members don’t understand the depth of the loss that is felt.

Stages of Grief

The emotions that you may experience after the death of a pet often go through various stages, such as denial, anger, depression, and finally, acceptance. Don’t be surprised at the overwhelming grief that you feel; when you love profoundly, you will mourn profoundly. The intensity and length of the grieving process depends on many factors, but a lack of support prolongs your feelings of anguish. You may want to seek the help of a counselor or a pet loss support group, which are often sponsored by local Humane Societies and/or veterinarians. As time passes, your pain will subside as you focus more on the good times and wonderful memories of your pet, and not on the death. Even though the grief and pain may be intense right now, don’t rule out someday having another pet. A new pet could never replace your dearly loved companion, but will fulfill your need to nurture and care for a pet — once again providing you with that treasured unconditional love.

Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Pet

Although children tend to grieve for shorter periods of time, they can be as initially devastated as an adult can by the death of a pet, if not more so. Although each will react differently, some things can prove helpful to a child:

• Encourage your child to talk openly about their pet. Include your child in all family discussions and talk about death and dying honestly. If you can be honest and open about your own grief, your child won’t be as likely to hold back their emotions or feel alone.
• Give your child plenty of comfort and hugs.
• Make sure to inform their teacher about the death of their pet.
• Never tell your child that the pet was “put to sleep,” or that “God took your pet.” Your child may start to have fears that God will “take” them, their siblings, or you; and your child also may become frightened of going to sleep.
• Encourage your child to cherish the happy memories of their pet, and help them say good-bye in whatever way they choose.

Can Other Family Pets Grieve?

Animals can become very attached to each other when they coexist in the same household, and can display intense symptoms of stress when they are separated. They may become depressed, nervous, or restless, or they may begin having disturbances in their sleeping and eating patterns. They may also wander around, seeking their companion, or they may become more needy and desire undivided attention from you. If your pet displays any of these symptoms, the following guide may be helpful:

• Don’t overdo when it comes to giving your pet extra attention; it may lead to problems with separation anxiety.
• Don’t let your pet’s normal routine be interrupted; continue all the regular activities you usually do with him/her.
• Do be flexible and patient. If your pet doesn’t seem to have an appetite, don’t try changing food or feeding times. Allow your pet to go at their own pace; however, consult your veterinarian if there is a drastic change in eating patterns for any extended period of time.
• Don’t get a new pet immediately. Give your surviving pet (and yourself) time to mourn.

Helping the Healing Process

As time passes, healing will occur, but there are several things you can do for yourself in the meantime:

• Give yourself permission to mourn, and consider avoiding others who don’t understand.
• Take time to heal. Don’t let anyone tell you how long a “normal” grieving period should be.
• Lean on friends and family. Don’t be afraid to ask for help; you may want to take advantage of support groups for grieving pet owners.
• Remember to get plenty of rest, eat sensibly and exercise.
• Memorialize your pet in whatever way you feel comfortable. You will find closure and, at the same time, pay meaningful tribute to your beloved pet.

Grief is more than likely the most difficult emotion a person can experience, especially when someone is mourning the death of their precious pet. However, more and more resources are becoming available to help us recognize that feelings of grief are completely natural, and above all, that we are not alone.

To Remember Me
a poem by Robert N. Test

Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby’s face, or love in the eyes of a woman.

Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.

Give my blood to the teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.

Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.

Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.

If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all prejudice against my fellow man.

Give my sins to the devil.

Give my soul to God.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you

If you do all I have asked, I will live forever.